Crimson Regret
by Adorin
Summary: Bella Cuts to deal with her depression after Edward leaves her in New Moon. Very Dark, Rated T for Cutting. AU Bella slightly OOC but not much. Discontinued
1. Not Suicidal

A.N. I have noticed that many stories of angst are resolved too quickly or in an unbelievable way. The story starts out a few months after Edward left. Bella befriended Jacob but when he turned into a wolf, he was forced to abandon her also. Another little note, since Bella has become numb, she has lost the ability to hear Edward's voice when she does something dangerous. Enjoy.

Not suicidal

It has been six months since _He _left me, and things just haven't been the same. I wake up, get dressed, go to school, come home, cook for Charlie, and go to bed. But life really isn't worth living.

In the beginning, when the pain was so horrible, I prayed for numbness to take me. Now that the numbness has come, I hate it. I hate not being able to feel. No matter what, all I feel is dull numbness. It didn't start until my Jacob, my personal sun, abandoned me. It was just too much for my heart to handle, I guess.

I awoke this morning to the same dull numbness, but something was different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was a slight amount of panic in me. Throughout the morning I couldn't shake this feeling I had. It was only growing stronger.

After lunch I walked into class only to find out we had a special presentation today on different disorders teenagers went through. Half the class time was taken up with a video. Not that I cared or anything.

I rarely paid attention to school. There was no reason. I was always thinking about _Him_. That very moment, I was thinking about how his eyes were always able to hold mine entranced, when something on the video caught my attention.

A girl was talking about how she use to cut herself when her problems become too much for her. I had heard of people hurting themselves before but had always thought it was something suicidal people did.

But the way this girl was talking, she made it sound as if it were a lifeline. Another girl then came on the screen talking about her eating disorder, so I stopped listening.

I was thinking back to when He first left me. There had been one night when I was hurting more than normal. I had just woken up from a nightmare (big surprise there), and had fallen out of bed, bringing the lamp with me. I heard Charlie run up the stairs asking if I was all right.

"I am fine dad," I yelled. "I fell out of bed and took the lamp with me. I am just cleaning up the pieces."

"You sure Bella?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, Dad, and for once I didn't even hurt myself."

"Well if you're okay, then I am gonna go back to bed."

"Night dad," I called out to him. As I was cleaning up the pieces, I had a huge urge to use the sharp porcelain on my wrists.

How easy it would be to just end it all right there -- no more pain, no more tears, no more emptiness where _He_ use to be. I had even gone as far as placing the shard against my wrist, but I knew I wasn't serious. As much as life sucked, I wasn't so far gone that I was willing to kill myself.

Besides, it would kill Charlie and Renee, and I couldn't do that to them. But that thought had stayed with me -- the 'what if.' There had been times where I wished I could put a blade to my wrists. Once, I even broke an old razor apart. I didn't cut myself, but it was fun to fantasize about the action.

Suddenly the bell rang, breaking me out of my thoughts. I stood up and walked out the door. I never took anything with me to class anymore. I didn't do the work, and the teachers no longer bothered asking me if I had. The rest of the day went by in a haze. I couldn't get my mind off that video or my memories of wanting to cut myself.

I was chopping up vegetables for Charlie's dinner when that video popped into my head again. Watching the knife slice through the vegetables, I wondered what it would feel like to cut my skin like that.

Would it really help? I was so curious but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I wasn't suicidal, so I shouldn't have wanted to cut myself. But that girl hadn't been suicidal either, I remembered.

I placed the knife gently on my skin, not hard enough to break skin, just enough to feel it. Slowly I dragged it across my arm. It stung a little, leaving a small scratch lighter than my fingernails would have left.

But I felt a small amount of perverse pleasure out of it. I tried it again, pushing slightly harder but still not hard enough to leave a mark. It was weird; somehow I was able to focus my anxiety on that tiny scratch I made. I was about to try it a third time when I heard Charlie's cruiser pull in. I jumped and hurriedly started to cut up Charlie's dinner again.


	2. Compromises

A.N. I hope you like the first two chapters. I have a bunch already written but I am looking for a Beta. I refuse to post horrible stories. so please the sooner I find a beta the sooner I can continue the story. Also, as much as it pains me to say this, but in no way do I own Twilight or any of the Characters.

Compromises

I woke up screaming from another nightmare. Gasping for breath, I reached out and turned on the lamp next to my bed. I had bought a more durable lamp after the last one had broken.

Looking at the clock I realized it was 4:30 in the morning. I groaned and decided it was late enough that I could get ready for the day. It had been two weeks since I had had that episode with the knife.

I hadn't tried it again. I was too ashamed. I couldn't believe I had been so messed up to try that! I got up and grabbed my stuff for the bathroom and hurried to take a shower. As I turned on the water, I realized that even though I hadn't touched a knife since then, it was always on my mind.

"Wake up Bella," I mumbled to myself as I let the warm water relax my neck muscles. "You need to grow up and get over this little fascination of yours."

I stayed in the shower until I felt the water grow cold. Wrapping a towel around me, I headed back to the room to change.

As I walked over to the dresser, I felt a board move under my feet.

_That's odd; I never noticed loose floorboards before_, I thought as I got down on my knees to look at the board. I realized then that it wasn't loose but completely unfastened from the boards around it. I dug my nails around the edges and pulled up.

I gasped -- here were my things that I had thought _He_ had taken from me. With trembling hands I reached in to grab the items. I felt the hole in my chest rip open again.

I picked up the wooden box, already knowing what was inside: two plane tickets to Jacksonville. One for me and one for… Him.

I snapped the lid on the box shut and picked up the CD. The hole in my chest growled with anticipation as I placed the CD in my CD player. I skipped the first few tracks, not willing to listen to His lullaby. I grabbed the print closest to me.

It was Him and Charlie watching football. He was consummately lovely, and I felt tears brimming over my lids, blurring my vision. I put that print aside and picked up the next.

This was the picture in my kitchen where He had his arm round me. I remembered the feeling clearly. It was too formal, the smiles fake. Then I reached for the final print -- the print that would, undoubtedly, cause the most pain.

I flipped the image over and pain seared through my chest. His liquid topaz eyes burnt uncaringly up from the photo.

_It's just a photo, it's just a photo_… I continued to repeat to myself.

I was suddenly aware that the CD had come to an end and was automatically re-starting.

_Oh no,_ but before I could dash across the room to stop my stereo, the first few notes of my lullaby began to play. My knees gave way beneath me and I had to lean back on my bed for support.

The waves – no _tsunamis _of pain that crashed through me now were unbearable. I started to sob, barely being able to breathe. I couldn't take this pain. It was too much. If I couldn't do something to control it, it would kill me.

Then I remembered the knife. I raced down to the kitchen and dug through the drawer till I found that sharp little vegetable knife. I walked carefully back upstairs, I might have been stupid enough to be doing this, but I wasn't stupid enough to run with a knife.

I would be tempting fate by just walking with it. I didn't want to piss fate off by running. I could barely breathe; the pain was so great, all I could think about was how the girl in the video had said the cut helped deal with pain and my own experience, however limited, with a knife. I sat down next to the hole in the floor and started to sob all over again.

"I am sorry Edward, but this is the only way I can survive," I whispered. "I know you told me to be safe, but it just isn't possible. Sometimes you have to make compromises to survive." I then took the knife and slowly pressed the edge to my skin.

I didn't even feel the pain the first time I dragged it across my skin, I don't think I pressed hard enough. Only one small drop of blood was coming to the surface. I put the knife back to the starting point and dragged it down again, this time slightly harder.

Two more drops of blood appeared. I realized that I felt calmer, so I started a new line on my arm, this time I pressed even harder. I gasped as I felt the skin tear under the sharp edge. This cut bled freely.

I was surprised. Two minutes ago I hadn't thought I would survive, but here I was, semi-calm. For once the smell of blood wasn't even bothering me. The numbness was slowly coming back. All I felt now was a small amount of anxiety about what I had done. I smiled. Maybe I could survive what He did to me after all.


	3. New Type of High

A.N I was going to wait till I found a Beta before posting my next chapter but i couldn't do that to you guys. So here is my next chapter. When I find a Beta, i will go through and fix the chapter so there are not as many mistakes. I hope it isn't too bad. I am usually good with editing, but I cannot edit my own work cause i read how I want it to be and miss all the mistakes. so enjoy the chapter.

Disclaimer: the only place I own any of the characters is in my dreams. And since I am awake, I do not own them. I wonder if Stephenie would sell them to me. I have a jar full of pennies.

New type of high

I decided I was not gonna be emotionally ready to go back to school today, so I hid the items back under the floorboard and crawled back in bed. I had laid there for less than 20 minutes when I heard Charlie move around in the hallway.

"Bella?" Charlie called. "Shouldn't you be getting ready for school today?"

"I really don't feel well Dad," I called back. My voice, hoarse from crying, helped my story. "Will you call school and tell them that I am coming down with something?"

"Sure Bells, can I get you anything?" Charlie asked?

"No thanks Dad, I just want to sleep." I yelled back.

"Ok sweetie, you get some rest." He called as he walked down the stairs.

While I listened to the small noises Charlie was making downstairs, I thought about what I had done this morning. So many emotions were running through my head. I was pleased that the cuts had helped.

I was anxious because I was worried someone would find out and lock me up in a mental hospital. And I was slightly guilty because, while I had not broken my promise with Him, I had certainly stretched the boundaries greatly.

Knowing Him, even this would be considered breaking my promise. But I didn't really care anymore, He had left me and He had no right to tell me what to do anymore. Suddenly I remembered that I had not cleaned up my knife. I quietly got out of bed and went for the knife.

Picking it up, I wondered what Charlie would have done if he had discovered me hurting myself. Freak out no doubt. Suddenly I was curious. I placed the blade back on my arm,

_I wonder what this feels like when I am not having a fit. _Slowly, even more slowly that before, I dragged the blade across my arm.

I felt an odd disattachment from the world. I no longer cared if Charlie found me. I no longer cared if I was breaking my promise. All I cared about was that I had found a new type of numbness. It was almost a type of high.

After Charlie left, I cleaned up the knife and put it back in the kitchen drawers. My high was wearing off and the guilt was coming back strong.

_I can't believe I did that!_ I thought to myself. Was I really so desperate that I had started to cut myself? I laid in bed all morning fretting over my stupidity from this morning.

By one in the afternoon, I had made the decision that I would never cut myself again. No matter the relief, it was not worth the consequences.

The next morning when I woke up, I knew I had to go back to school, if only to keep Charie from worrying that I was slipping back in to my catatonic state.

_At least it's sunny out, _I thought to myself as I drove to school. Pulling into the parking lot, I realized that I was one the first students to arrive. I decided to take my normal spot at one of the picnic tables. I didn't even bother to pull out a book or do homework. I just sat there thinking about nothing at all.

The bell shook me from my blessed numbness and I almost fell off the seat in surprise. I heard Lauren snicker in her nasally voice. Not bothering to pay attention to what ever rude comment she had chosen to make, I slowly walked toward my first class of the day.

I was able to stay in my wonderful numbness till lunch. It was Angela that brought me back into the world of pain. I was sitting next to her pretending to eat when I felt her touch my arm.

"Ouch Bella, What happened to your arm?" she asked me. I gasped. I hadn't even thought about my arm when I had dressed for the day, I had only thought of the blessed sun that had been shinning through my window.

"Oh um," I gasped out, trying to think of a quick lie. "I took a walk in the woods behind my house yesterday when I tripped right into a thorny bush. I was lucky to walk away with only these few cuts."

"Oh," Angela replied. "Isn't it dangerous to be in the woods with all the bear attacks we have had this year?"

"There hasn't been a bear attack in over a month" Mike said.

"I wonder why they stopped all of a sudden" Angela asked.

"I don't care, all I know is that it was bad for business at the store." Mike said dismissively. After that the conversation switched to different hiking equipment Mike wanted to try out in the store. I was just glad the conversation had been switched away from my arms.

I couldn't believe I had forgotten to wear something to cover up the cuts. Good thing my clumsiness gave me an excuse. I would have to be more careful the next time I cut myself. I then realized where my thoughts had been and I mentally yelled at myself for thinking there would be a next time.

During my last hour of class I heard my name being called over the loud speaker, telling me to go to the office.

"Ohhh Bella is in trouble!" I heard that stupid Lauren snicker in the back of the class.

_What ever, the stupid bitch, _I thought to myself. I pretended that I hadn't heard Laurens remark as I slowly walked out of the classroom.

_I wonder what they could want from me, _I speculated. _Did someone over hear me say I was hiking and now I am gonna get warned about big bad bears? _

Walking into the office I was surprised to see Charlie in the office with a very disappointed look on his face. I slowly walked over and sat next to him.

"What are you doing her Dad?" I asked him. "Are they mad that I was home sick from school yesterday?" But Charlie wouldn't look at me. Instead, he stared around the office looking everywhere but into my eyes.

I was starting to get worried, was Renee alright? Did something happen to her?

"Dad what's wrong? Is Mom ok?"

"Just hush Bella" was all Charlie would say to me. He was still refusing to look into my eyes. The principle choose that moment to walk into the office, sparing me the torture of trying to get Charlie to talk to me.

"Bella, I called you into my office to have a very important talk with you. I have already explained this to Charlie, but I still need to explain it to you." The principle told me. "Bella, I am sorry but I am forced to expel you from the school."

"What!" I screamed. "For what reason? I haven't done anything!"

"That's the problem Bella. You haven't done anything the entire school year. I know you were upset that your boyfriend moved away, but that is no reason to completely give up on school."

"I will do better" I pleaded, "I will do my homework, and participate in class. Please don't expel me."

"It's too late Bella. The year is almost over. There just isn't time to make up all the work you missed. If you're really serious about trying again, we will allow you to try again next year Bella." The principle told me with a sympathetic smile on her face.

"There is nothing else I can do?" I asked.

"I am afraid not Bella. To save you the embarrassment, I had the nurse clean out your locker for you so you wouldn't have to face the students. I am really sorry it had to happen this way and I wish you luck. Now I am sure you and your father would like to go. I am sure you two have much to talk about." And with that statement the principle walked out of the office.


	4. I Will Do Better

A.N I really really need a Beta! someone was kind enough to point out that I had spelled Charlie's name Charley half of the time. please have pity on my soul and be my beta. no, correction. have pity on the souls who are forced to read my horrible mistakes. Also, this chapter is very depressing. just to warn you. If anyone has had problems with SI before, this chapter could be a potential trigger. so be careful.

Disclaimer: unfortunately, Stephenie was not impressed with my jar of pennies. so I still do not own twilight or any of the characters.

I will do better

I came back to reality as Charlie pulled into the driveway. I realized then that I had no memory from the moment the principle left the office until now. My mind was in complete shock over the news. You would think they would at least give me the option of summer school. But I guess life wasn't even going to give me that much hope. I was about to open my door when I heard Charlie speak to me.

"Bella, we need to talk."

"Later Dad, I really just want to go lie down. Today has been hell."

"No Bella, we need to talk now." Charlie said in a stern voice. I looked at him in shock. Charlie never got that tone of voice with me.

"Dad please, my brain is in overload right now with everything that just happened. Will you at least let me go lie down for a while?" I pleaded him. I really did not feel up to this right now. My precious numbness was threatening to crack open, and I do not think I would be able to handle the pain right now. I especially did not want to break down in front of Charlie.

"Fine Bella," Charlie sighed. "But we will talk about this over dinner. I will order out so don't worry about getting up to cook." I jumped out of the car before Charlie could say anything else and ran up to my room. Sitting on my bed I felt the pain start to break through my numbness.

I felt my breathing become erratic as my chest began to shatter again.

_Oh god, I don't think I can do this right now. Anything but this! _I thought to myself through the tsunamis of pain. The pain of knowing not only that I have become the laughing stock of the school, but that Charlie must be so ashamed of me right now. He wouldn't even look at me today in the office. Why wouldn't he stick up for me? Surely he could have convinced the school to let me graduate with the promise of summer school. It's funny in a way that, as of this morning, I hadn't cared if I ever went to school again or not. And here I am now, breaking into pieces because school was taken from me.

At this point I didn't care about my promise to not cut myself again. All I wanted was a relief from the pain. The only problem was that I had nothing to cut myself with. I had returned the knife to the kitchen. There was no way I would be able to go down there and retrieve it under Charlie's nose.

I realized that I was scratching at my scars with my free hand. My nails were digging painfully into my skin but it wasn't enough. All it was doing was frustrating me because I couldn't even accomplish this much.

_What can I use to cut my arm? _I thought to myself. Then the answer came to me. My toiletry bag. I should have a razor in there, I could just use that. In my pain filled haze, I somehow managed to make my way to the bag and start digging through it. Finally I came to the thing I desired more than anything in that moment, my razor.

_Grr, how do I even open this? _I grumbled to myself. It was one of those safety razors. It was the type of razor that had plastic guarding all sharp edges. It was ironic that I had purchased this very razor to keep _from_ cutting myself. Flipping it over I saw that there was a small slit in which it could be pried open. I dug at the razor for at least fifteen minutes breaking off pieces here and there, trying to get to the precious metal inside.

I was sitting on the bed, my heart feeling like it was slowly being ripped apart, and I had chunks of plastic lying all around me. In my soul, I knew that the small blade would be the answers to my excruciating pain. Suddenly the last piece of plastic that was guarding the blade broke in the correct spot and the blade went flying across the room.

I dashed across the room to where the blade had landed and picked it up carefully. It was such a relief to finally hold the blade. For a moment, I was able to forget the pain and admire the small thing. It was about an inch long and had two little holes in the bottom that had held the blade to the plastic. It was beautiful to me. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to admire the beauty very long because my pain came back with a vengeance. I no longer even knew why I was in pain. All I knew was that I needed to end it soon. With a ragged breath I placed the metal edge on my skin and pulled down.

I felt the blade tear my skin and catch on the small hairs on my arm. But I never felt any pain. I pulled the blade back and cut myself again. I was sobbing now, not even thinking about anything but how I wanted it to end. I dragged the blade across my skin four more times before I finally felt the pain in my arm.

With the pain came the blessed numbness. Looking at my arm, I realized that some of the cuts were pretty serious. My arm looked worse than it did after my 18th birthday party.

_Oh no oh no! _I thought to myself as I got up and raced to the bathroom. I was panicking again. This time it was because I was afraid I had hurt myself too badly to hide what I had done. I was afraid I would need to go to the hospital. They would think I was either trying to kill myself and chickened out, or I was one of those stupid kids who do things for the attention.

I rinsed my arm and grabbed a towel trying to stop the bleeding. That was the most important thing. If I lost too much blood then I would need to be taken in for sure. Oddly, the thought of just finishing the job and letting myself die never crossed my mind. I never really had been suicidal, just desperate.

Slowly, agonizingly so, I was able to stop the blood flow. I wasn't even dizzy so I knew that the cuts must have looked worse than they were. Finally I was able to take the soiled towel from my arm and look at the damage.

It was then that I realized that through out my entire panic and attempt at fixing my arm, I had felt no pain, only the fear of discovery. I smiled. As long as I was careful, I could do this. I could, with the help of my little metal lover, get through this. I wrapped up my arm with fresh bandages and cleaned up the bathroom.

"Bella! It is time for dinner." I heard Charlie call to me. I hid my blade under the mattress, put on a long sleeve shirt, and went downstairs to face the world.


	5. AN

Sorry about not having an update sooner

Sorry about not having an update sooner. I have two very good reasons.

I work two jobs. I work from 8am till 11pm. I am usually too tired to write after work. Heck, I am too tired to even read after work.

I had about three pages written on my laptop but I guess it wasn't plugged in. yeah my comp shut down and I lost the document. Its in the process of being rewritten.

So you can expect a new chapter by Friday. Sorry again for everyone who is waiting. Also people have been asking me some questions so I will answer them now.

Yes Edward will be in this story. But I want to develop Bella's problems a little more. But the rest of the family will be back in two or three chapters. Prolly by Saturday.

Yes I understand that the school would most likely handled things differently but it works better in my story if it is sudden. LOL so deal with it :)

See you all on Friday.


	6. Unresolved Anger

A.N - Wow, I got so many reviews and alerts today that I decided to post a little earlier than planned. This Chapter is all dialog. It is also OOC for Bella. I think she needed to vent. She is always too nice to Charlie. I also hoped I answered some of your questions in this chapter. The Cullens come back next chapter. Edward won't be with him, but the others will be there. So enjoy. I will either post Friday night or Saturday night, depending on my work schedule. so enjoy.

Disclaimer: Stephanie didn't like my jar of pennies so I am starting a jar of nickels. So until my nickel jar is full I have no chance at owning twilight.

* * *

I walked calmly into the kitchen to the smell of Chinese food. Normally, I love a chance to eat Chinese but I had no appetite. My stomach was still a little knotted from my panic upstairs.

"Sit down Bella, we need to talk." Charlie said to me. Sitting down I looked at Charlie, silently willing him to say what he had to say so I could go back upstairs to the one relief from my personal hell.

"After today I think it is time you move back to Phoenix." Charlie told me. I was instantly angry. I thought I had told him three months ago I wasn't moving back.

"What, are you sick of your problem child? Is that it Charlie? Ready to give up?" I sneered at him. I knew this wasn't like me to act this way but something in me changed when that blade bit into my arm. I had become harder some how, colder. My emotions became smaller. I could tell Charlie was surprised by my reaction.

"Bella! How could you say that?" Charlie whispered in a quiet voice. "You know much I care about you. I just think that Forks is keeping you from healing. There are two many memories for you here. I had hoped that when you started to hang out with Jacob, things would get better. But then you stopped hanging with him and sank right back into your depression."

I gaped stupidly at him for a moment before the anger in me started to burn more intensely. I felt my next words to rush out with deadly venom to them.

"_I_ stopped hanging out with him?" I spat, putting an emphasis on the word I. "For your information Charlie, I tried for weeks to get Jacob to talk to me. And you have the nerve to blame it on me? I guess it IS my fault in a way. I let one man get close to me and he hurt me. I should have known better than to open my heart for another. Thanks Charlie! Thanks for putting it in perspective for me."

It was Charlie's turn to gape at me.

"Bella, that's not what I meant at all. Please believe me when I say that." Charlie begged.

"Why should I believe you?" I hissed. "You wouldn't even stand up for me today at school. They should not have been able to do this. We should have gotten warnings; I could have gone to summer school. But instead you sat there and you wouldn't even look me in the eyes."

"Bella I…" Charlie gasped.

"No Charlie, do you know how it feels to know that your father is so ashamed of his daughter he wont even try to help her, defend her, or even comfort her in front of his peers?"

"Bella" Charlie tried again.

"What? What do you need to tell me that is so important? Do you need to lecture me on how much of a disappointment I am? How I just messed up my future? Or on how I need to get my act together. Well I don't want to hear it Dad."

"Bella let me talk!" Charley shouted out. I glared at him rebelliously but stayed quiet. Maybe if I let him speak, we could end this quicker and I could go upstairs.

"Bella, I did defend you." Charlie explained. "I was in the office for an hour before they called you in. I tried everything to make things work out. They told me that normally they would have offered you summer school but they couldn't this year. The person who normally hosts the summer school won't be there this summer."

I did not want to hear this. I wanted to be angry. It was easier to handle than the pain I had been living. A part of me knew that it was wrong to put all my anger on Charlie but I had no where else to direct it. I knew the accusations I threw out were untrue also but I just didn't want to care anymore.

Instead of answering Charlie I just stood up and walked out of the kitchen. I hadn't even touched my dinner. I had no appetite. I could feel the hunger pains but I did not want to eat, especially with Charlie in the kitchen wanting to talk. Besides, I almost liked the hunger pains. It was a new physical pain. By concentrating on the pain in my midriff, I could ignore the pain and the guilt that was trying to seep back in. I considered it a good punishment for being mean to Charlie.

I walked back into my room and took out the blade. I wanted to memorize every detail about it. That way when I was someplace where I could not cut myself, I could then at least picture my new friend perfectly.

It wasn't anything special, which was nice because neither was I. Perfectly ordinary the blade and I. It was just a three dollar pink razor which now was broken up in my garbage can. Who would have thought that a three dollar piece of metal could be such a life saver for me?

I decided that I wouldn't cut myself any more tonight, I would save it for the times I really needed. Besides, the pain in my stomach from not eating was enough for tonight. I hid my blade again and laid down in bed. And for once I didn't dream.


	7. Cliff Jumping

A.N **READ THIS BEFORE YOU READ THE CHAPTER!!**

This chapter took me forever, I kept writing and rewriting because I wanted to get Alice right. I finally gave up. It was then that I realized that Stephenie's words fit my story almost perfectly. Parts of the chapter are stolen from NM. It is from chapter 17 "Visitor". I changed it around a little but a lot of the dialog is not mine. I know I prolly could have come up with my own dialog but this works better for the plot down the road. Sorry if there are mistakes I am posting this at 4 in the morning. I am tired. there was something else i really wanted to add in the AN but i really cant remember, which sucks because the entire time I was writing this i kept thinking about the AN i needed to make. oh well, I guess i will remember when someone yells at me in a review. Enjoy.

Disclaimer, I own nothing. I is poor.

* * *

Three weeks had passed since I had been kicked out of school

Three weeks had passed since I had been kicked out of school. I have been irritating Charlie to no end. My anger had not disappeared, I try to hide it, but it still leaks out. I decided that I wouldn't go back to school next year so I have been studying for my G.E.D instead.

I was sitting at my desk but I couldn't concentrate today. My thoughts were on my blade that had become my best friend over the past few weeks. I didn't use it too often but would take it out just to admire it or to pretend to use it, leaving marks barely visible on my skin that soon faded away.

I still didn't eat much. I ate just enough to keep from getting sick or loosing too much weight. I had no desire to become anorexic I really liked feeling the pains of hunger. I had found a store in Port Angles that sold high protein shakes. They helped keep me healthy without making me feel full. When ever I felt my heart breaking I would concentrate on my stomach cramping and I could control my emotions.

Just as I was about to give up on studying and look at my blade some more, I heard Charlie's cruiser pull in the drive.

"Bella, get dressed, we are going over to the Blacks tonight." Charlie called up the stairs.

"I am not going, Jacob doesn't want me around remember?" I called back.

"Actually, Jacob asked for you especially" He yelled out, now from his room as I heard him get ready himself. "Oh and he said to bring a suit. Something about a promise he means to keep."

I started to get ready as I pondered the many questions running through my head. Jacob was going to take me cliff jumping? Why, after two months of ignoring me would he fulfill his promise now? Should I forgive him for ignoring me like that?

I didn't know what to think. I had a feeling that tonight would end in pain but I knew there was no way I could bring my blade with me to La Push. I needed something I could use to control my pain. I didn't think hunger alone would work. Besides, I would most likely be eating with them so hunger was out of the picture for the night.

Digging around my desk, I found a rubber band. I placed it around my wrist and snapped it. I gasped as I felt a sharp sting where the band hit my wrist. I smiled, thinking how I had found the perfect solution to my problem.

Half an hour later I was finally ready. I had my bathing suit underneath my clothing. I had picked out a blue v-neck sweater and a pair of faded jeans. I also grabbed a warm beach towel seeing that it was only 60 degrees outside.

"Bella, are you finished getting ready yet?" Charlie called out.

"Yes Charlie, I am ready, I will be down in five minutes," I yelled down the stairs.

"Bella! How many times have I asked you not to call me Charlie?" I heard Charlie mutter furiously. I didn't even bother answering. I had refused to call him Dad since our fight about being kicked out of school. I don't know why he even bothered mentioning it. He knew I wasn't going to call him Dad any time soon.

I looked around my room one last time to make sure I had everything, gave my rubber band a snap so I could calm down a little and headed down the stairs.

We were just about to leave when I heard the doorbell ring.

"I will get it Charlie" I called out as I walked to the door.

"Don't call me Charlie!" I heard him yell back. I smiled. I really liked irritating him like that. Although I knew I should feel guilty about it. I opened the door and blinked. Unnaturally still and white, with her large black eyes intent on my face, my visitor waited perfectly motionless in the doorway, beautiful beyond imagining.

My knees trembled for a second, and I nearly fell. Then I hurled myself at her.

"Alice, oh Alice!" I cried, as I slammed into her. I'd forgotten how hard she was; it was like running headlong into a wall of cement.

"Bella?" there was a strange mingling of relief and confusion in her voice.

I locked my arms around her, gasping to inhale as much of the scent of her skin as possible. It wasn't like anything else – not floral or spice, citrus or musk. No perfume in the world could compare. My memory hadn't done it justice.

I didn't notice when the gasping turned into something else – I only realized I was sobbing when Alice dragged me into the living room couch and pulled me into her lap. It was like curling up into a cool stone, but a stone that contoured comfortingly to the shape of my body. She rubbed my back in a gentle rhythm, waiting for me to get control of myself.

"I'm . . . sorry," I blubbered. "I'm just . . . so happy . . . to see you!"

"It's okay, Bella. Everything's okay."

"Yes," I bawled. And, for once, it seemed that way.

Alice sighed. "I'd forgotten how exuberant you are," she said, and her tone was disapproving.

I looked up at her through my streaming eyes. Alice's neck was tight, straining away from me, her lips pressed together firmly. Her eyes were black as pitch.

"Oh," I puffed, as I realized the problem. She was thirsty. And I smelled appetizing. It had been a while since I'd had to think about that kind of thing. "Sorry."

"It's my own fault. It's been too long since I hunted. I shouldn't let myself get so thirsty. But I was in a hurry today." The look she directed at me then was a glare. "Speaking of which, would you like to explain to me why you were gonna kill yourself today?"

That brought me up short and stopped the sobs. I realized what must have happened immediately, and why Alice was here.

I swallowed loudly. "You saw me fall."

"No," she disagreed, her eyes narrowing. "I saw you jump."

I pursed my lips as I tried to think of an explanation that wouldn't sound nuts.

Alice shook her head. "I told him this would happen, but he didn't believe me. 'Bella promised,'" her voice imitated his so perfectly that I froze in shock while the pain ripped through my torso. I knew hurting myself was not an option right now. She would see me for sure and my secret would be out. "'don't be looking for her future, either,'" she continued to quote him. "'we've done enough damage.'

"But just because I'm not looking, doesn't mean I don't see," she went on. "I wasn't keeping tabs on you, I swear, Bella. It's just that I'm already attuned to you . . . when I saw you jumping, I didn't think, I just got on a plane. I knew I had to stop you before you went through with it." She shook her head, this time in confusion. Her voice was strained. "I saw you go into the water and waited and waited for you to come up, but you didn't. How could you do that to Charlie? Did you stop to think what this would do to him? And my brother? Do you have any idea what Edward-"

I cut her off then, as soon as she said His name. I'd let her go on, even after I realized the misunderstanding she was under, just to hear the perfect bell tone of her voice. But it was time to interrupt.

"Alice, I wasn't going to commit suicide."

She eyed me dubiously. "Are you saying you weren't going to jump off a cliff?"

"No, but . . ." I grimaced. "It was going to be for recreational purposes only."

Her expression hardened.

"Honestly, Charlie was taking me to La Push today and Jacob had promised to take me cliff jumping." I then lifted up my shirt to show her my suit as proof to my words.

"Bella," Charlie called out. I had completely forgotten he was even in the house. "Where are you? Who was at the door?"

"Um, Dad?" I didn't call him Charlie because I figured the news was going to be surprising enough and I didn't want to stress the situation. "You'll never guess who's here."

He looked at me blankly. His head swiveled around and he spied a Mercedes across the street, the porch light reflecting off the glossy black paint. Before he could react, Alice was in the doorway again.

"Hi Charlie," she said in a subdued voice. "I hope I haven't come at a bad time."

"Alice Cullen?" he peered at the slight figure in front of him as if he doubted what his eyes were telling him. "Alice, is that you?"

It's me," she confirmed. "I was in the neighborhood."

"Can I stay with her instead of going to the Black's house tonight? Please? I haven't seen her in so long Dad. I really miss her."

Charlie sighed but agreed. I think he was just glad to be talking to me without me getting angry.

Alice went back to the couch, and I followed her. This time, she was the one to pull me against her shoulder.

"You look tired."

"Yeah,' I agreed, and shrugged. "So, what does Carlisle think of you being here?"

"He doesn't know. He and Esme were on a hunting trip. I'll hear from him in a few days, when he gets back. Bella are you telling me the truth when you said you weren't trying to kill yourself? Because I have had some very scary and very confusing images of you the past few weeks. I didn't know what to think of them. Of you holding a knife or razor and slicing your wrist. But my visions never showed you going through with it. More like you were fantasizing over the idea."

I felt panic start to boil in me. I hadn't expected her to see me with my knife. I am just glad that I had been fantasizing about my blade instead of using it. I couldn't let Alice know that I was hurting myself on purpose, she would never understand. I really didn't want her to think I was crazy or desperate. I was just trying to survive.

"Alice, I . . ." I paused to gather my thoughts. "I have had a rough few months, with you guys leaving me, my friend Jacob abandoning me a few months later and then just recently being kicked out of school . . ." I held up my hand to keep her from interrupting. "Yes I have been depressed, sometimes I fantasized about doing something stupid like that, but I would never kill myself, if only for the people who would miss me when I was gone."

"Our leaving didn't do you any good at all, did it?" Alice murmured.

I laughed once – it was a slightly hysterical sound.

"That was never the point, though, was it? It's not like you left for my benefit."

Alice scowled at the floor for a moment. "Well . . . I guess I acted impulsively today. I probably shouldn't have intruded."

I could feel the blood draining from my face. My stomach dropped. "Don't go, Alice," I whispered. My fingers locked around the collar of her white shirt and I began to hyperventilate. "Please don't leave me."

Her eyes opened wider. "All right," she said, enunciated each word with slow precision. "I'm not going anywhere tonight. Take a deep breath."

I tried to obey, though I couldn't quite locate my lungs.

She watched my face while I concentrated on my breathing. She waited till I was calmer to comment.

"You look like hell, Bella."

"In the past half-n-hour I have bawled my eyes out and hyperventilated, of course I look like hell," I reminded her.

"It goes deeper than that. You're a mess."

I flinched. "Look, I'm doing my best."

"What do you mean?"

"It hasn't been easy. I'm working on it."

"Alice, "I sighed. "What did you think you were going to find? I mean, besides me dead? Did you expect to find me skipping around and whistling show tunes? You know me better than that."

"I do. But I hoped."

"Then I guess I don't have the corner on the idiocy market."

Alice put her arm around me. "So what do we do now?" She mused. She seemed to talk to herself for a moment. "Things to do. Loose ends to tie."

"What things to do?"

Her face was suddenly careful. "I don't know for sure . . . I need to see Carlisle."

Would she leave so soon? My stomach dropped.

"Could you stay?" I begged. "Please? For just a little while. I've missed you so much." My voice broke.

"I won't leave you Bella. I think Carlisle will meet both of us here." My heart felt lighter with her words.

"You can stay here – Charlie would love that."

"I have a house, Bella."

I nodded, disappointed but resigned. She hesitated, studying me.

"Well, I need to go get a suitcase of clothes, at the very least."

I threw my arms around her. "Alice, you're the best!"

"And I think I'll need to hunt. Immediately," she added in a strained voice.

"Oops." I took a step back.

"Can you stay out of trouble for one hour?" She asked skeptically. Then, before I could answer, she held up one finger and closed her eyes. Her face went smooth and blank for a few seconds.

And then her eyes opened and she answered her own question. "Yes, you'll be fine. For tonight, anyway." She grimaced. Even making faces, she looked like an angel.

"You'll come back?" I asked in a small voice.

"I promise – one hour."

I glanced at the clock over the kitchen table. She laughed and leaned in quickly to kiss me on the cheek. Then she was gone.

As glad as I was that Alice had come back, the hole in my chest was opening up again. Now that I was alone, I was able to snap the rubber band as hard as I could. I had so many fears running through my head.

I was afraid that she wouldn't come back. I was afraid she would discover my secret. I was afraid that He would find out and make her leave. I was also afraid to let people back into my heart. As much as I loved Alice and the rest of the Cullens, they had hurt me greatly. It was easy to trust Alice with her next to me, but now that she was gone, the doubt was flooding back in.

I desperately wanted to go upstairs and use my blade. Would I no longer be able to? There had to be a way to get around Alice's visions. Another horrible thought came to me. Alice would smell the blood.

I was getting too worked up, I felt myself starting to hyperventilate again. The rubber band just wasn't doing its job. I needed something stronger.

I decided to try and cut myself just enough to feel the pain without drawing blood. I raced upstairs hoping that if I kept it impulsive enough Alice wouldn't see what I was doing. Besides, she had just looked into my future; she wouldn't see anything unless she was forced into a vision.

I raced upstairs and grabbed my blade, carefully, now was a bad time to mess up. I was careful enough to cut myself on my other arm so if Alice did notice anything I would say I scratched it going around the corner. I dragged the blade gently across the skin. I breathed a sigh of relief as I felt the bite of the blade.

It felt good to have the numbness back. It helped me deal with everything that had happened in the past hour.

After I was finished, I cleaned the blade with bleach and hid it under my mattress. I didn't want Alice to smell any trace of blood in the room. I then went down stairs to wait for Alice to come back. I was still slightly worried that she wouldn't return but she had promised.

The hour went slowly for me. I cleaned up the kitchen to pass time. Suddenly I heard a knock on the door again. I raced over and opened. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Alice looked at me sadly. "Did I break your trust so much Bella?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"The relief in your eyes just now," she explained. "Were you that scared I wouldn't come back?"

"I guess I just need some time to get use to the idea that you're here," I said slowly. "So much has happened today that I can't help but fear that it's all a dream."

Alice pulled me into a hug. "I am here, it's not a dream, and I plan on staying."

I gasped, "You're staying? What about Jasper? And everyone else?"

"They are coming back. I talked to Carlisle while I was gone. He agreed with me that you belong with our family and that we shouldn't have left you like we did. Jasper is already on a plane to Forks. The rest of the family will be here in a week."

I struggled to say the next few words. "Will He be back also?" As hard as it was to say the words, I feared the answer more.

Alice sighed. "I haven't talked to him in two months; Carlisle spoke to him about a week ago. I don't expect him to call any time soon. None of us are overly happy with him right now but if you really want, I will try to contact him and tell him."

"No!" I interrupted her. "I am not ready for that. It will be hard enough getting use to having everyone back let alone Him too." Besides the fact that it would be too painful being around someone who no longer loves you.

"Alright, Bella, we will wait on telling Edward." I shuttered at her mentioning of His name. "He won't be happy when he finally finds out," she warned me.

"Fuck Edward and his thoughts" I told her, I could tell I shocked her with my language. I shocked myself for actually saying His name for the first time in months. Luckily I was still numb from earlier so it didn't hurt as bad as it normally would have. "He gave up any right to be mad the moment He left me in the woods. I really don't care what He thinks as long as I know you guys will be here for me."

After Alice got over the shock of me swearing we kept the conversation light. I think we were both afraid of causing me any more pain for tonight.

I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to stay up all night talking to Alice. But the emotional rollercoaster of seeing Alice again had drained me. My eyes wouldn't stay open. I rested my head on her stone shoulder, and drifted into a more peaceful oblivion that I had any hope of.


	8. Choices

AN ~ Sorry everyone its been so long!!! It has been a long year for me, I started seeing someone, moved across country, lived without internet, moved twice more and now finally here I am. I am well, in a wonderful relationship (not that you care) and I am finally able to continue the story. It has been so hard not being able to update with all the review I have been getting. But anyway for this chapter, Bella has a lot of thinking to do. Its not unrealistic to think this way, I myself had many of these same thoughts and reactions when I struggled with SI. It's Three in the morning and I have no Beta so please don't hate me if there are mistakes just let me know and I will be glad to fix them. 3 Adorin

Choices

I woke up the next morning feeling more refreshed than I had in months. I was confused because I had had a dream with Alice in it. Normally, this would have caused the hole in my chest to open up again.

I laid there thinking about the dream and what could have been so different about it that I had woken up the way I did. It wasn't until I heard someone speak that I realized I was not alone.

"Are you planning to lie there dreaming all morning?" that wonderful voice asked me, clearly amused.

I gasped and sat up to see Alice sitting in the rocking chair. "Oh my, it wasn't a dream!" I exclaimed in surprise.

"Of course not silly." Alice said cheerfully. "I am too boring to appear in one of your dreams."

"Actually, I was thinking that you were too wonderful to appear in my dreams." I laughed as I told her this. "So what are our plans for the day?"

At this Alice looked a little uncomfortable. "Well the rest of the family decided to come early and will be here by the afternoon and I need to get the house ready. We will be having a family meeting around six that I would like you to come to."

"Can I come with you while you get the house ready?" I asked her.

"Well I need to hunt again and when the family gets here they will need to hunt before they are ready for you to come over. I think it would be best if you waited to come over until the meeting."

I knew my face fell at the news. I understood where she was coming from, but it still hurt to be away from her right now.

"Don't worry Bella; it's only a few hours. After the meeting we can have a slumber party and I can give you a make over."

I gasped in mock horror at this news. "In that case, I better move out of the state," I joked. As much as I hated being Alice's Barbie doll, I was too glad she was back to care at the moment. Alice smiled back at me.

"Well in that case I will come kidnap you around five to make sure you come." She stood up and opened her arms to me and I ran over and hugged her.

"I am so glad I am back. I truly have missed you." Alice told me in a more serious tone. "You truly are like a sister to me and my best friend." I hugged her back as fiercely as I could.

"I am glad you're back too." I replied. "It has been hell without you guys in my life. As much as I love Renee and Charlie, I feel like you're my true family."

I felt Alice's cold lips kiss my cheek and felt her cool breath as she whispered

"Bella, as long as we exist, you will truly be part of our family. Every one of us feels that way. We were lost without you in our lives." She gave me one last peck on the cheek and then jumped out the window.

I heard her call out below "I will see you at five, be ready," and then she was gone.

I wandered aimlessly for the next few hours, so much had changed in the past few hours that I wasn't quite sure how to handle it all. After two hours of trying to clean even though my mind wasn't in it I decided to take a shower.

The shower helped calm me down and focus on the here and now slightly and I was surprised to find myself humming in the shower. I finally climbed out of the shower and started to get ready. It was when I was looking in the mirror that I finally saw how bad I truly did look. My skin was even more pale than normal, my eyes were sunken in, hair dull and I had scars all over my arms.

It was my arms that alarmed me the most. The rest could be explained off from being so depressed the past few months, but how was I going to keep a family of vampires from noticing bloody scars all over me. What would happen if a scar broke open while at the house? There were many times where I would scratch an old cut and felt it break open. I didn't want a repeat of last my birthday.

It was a hard choice I was going to have to make. Would I choose the Cullen's or my blade? I knew both couldn't stay in my life. I wasn't naïve enough to believe just because they were back I would be able to give up the blade.

I couldn't tell them, I knew they wouldn't understand. No one but another cutter understands why a person would purposefully harm himself. My blade was my life line; it helped me deal with all the emotions my heart just couldn't handle. It was my blessed numbness. But did I truly want to feel numb anymore? It was a relief from the pain, but it had its own burdens itself.

Besides, when would I even be able to cut myself? It wouldn't be safe at the Cullen's house for days after using the blade. I won't be able to make too many excuses why I wouldn't be able to see them. I knew they will expect me to cling to them the way I clung to Alice last night. And I wanted to cling to them, but I wanted to keep my blade.

I could use it only when they went on hunting trips, but that didn't make sense because I use it when I need it, not when I scheduled it into my week.

I have the rubber band and not eating, but will it be enough? It would have to be. I could go find those fashionable rubber bands people wear. That shouldn't arouse anyone's suspicions.

As for not eating, I haven't lost that much weight, maybe five pounds since I stopped eating. But that aroused another problem, the Cullen's, who don't eat are a lot more aware when I eat around them. And they will notice if I always avoid eating in their presence. So I couldn't eat small portions, nor could I skip meals.

The only answer would be only eating when I was around them. It was when I am with them that I need the pain anyway, only when they are gone. I had made my choices, and now I needed to follow through with them.

My beautiful blade would have to go, as much as I wanted to keep it to look at it; It would be too much of a temptation to keep. I finished getting ready then took out my blade. I gave it one last wistful look and walked outside and threw it in the garbage can. Today was garbage day so I knew that by the time I came home tomorrow the blade would be gone forever.

Once inside I saw that it was only two in the afternoon. I had time to go find one of those rubber bands. I remembered seeing that the gas station sold them so I drove down to buy one.

At the gas station I saw that Jessica and Lauren were inside. I hadn't seen anyone from school since I had been kicked out. I was not looking forward to this. I gave the rubber band I was wearing a hard snap. It didn't help, my heart was still fluttering. I wanted to leave but I knew I needed to buy a wristband.

I got out of my truck and walked into the store, as I had thought there was a huge rack of them in the back. I walked back there quickly hoping to avoid Jessica and Lauren. Luckily they didn't see me; they were too busy looking at the snack isle.

I started to look through the bracelets. There were so many colors to choose from. Fortunate for me, there was a chart listing all the different colors and meanings. I had almost chosen green for the rainforest when my heart nearly stopped beating. Orange was for self harm. I shivered; I don't think I could handle seeing someone wearing an orange one knowing what it stood for. I grabbed the green wristband and walked up to the counter.

I was watching a man in front of me buy a pack of cigarettes when I heard Lauren's obnoxious voice behind me.

"Well look who it is, how's the life of a high school dropout treating you?" I tried to ignore her as Jessica kicked Lauren's shin.

"Sorry about that Bella, Lauren forgets she isn't in middle school now and then." I turned to look at Jessica as she gave me an apologetic smile. I smiled back, the anger I had been focusing on Charlie now had a new focal point.

"It's ok Jessica, everyone knows Lauren is just a bitch anyway." They both gasped at me, I was surprised at myself. Twice in twenty-four hours I have sworn. Not something I normally do. I really do need to get a grip on myself.

"Miss, it's your turn." The clerk told me, he looked really uncomfortable over our confrontation. I knew I should control myself but it felt so good to finally focus on my anger someone who truly deserved it. Lauren had been giving me a hard time since I moved to Forks.

I turned to the clerk and set the bracelet down, and then to shock the girls even more I asked for the same pack of cigarettes the man in front of me had purchased. I didn't really want them, never having smoked before, but I had to admit it gave me a thrill to do so. With a bracelet, cigarettes and a lighter I walked past the girls and out of the store.

I found that I was actually enjoying the anger flowing through me. I decided to let this game go a little further. Once outside the store I opened the pack of cigarettes and lit one up. I couldn't wait to see the look on their faces when they came out and saw me.

Luckily I didn't cough like an idiot on my first puff. As bad as it tasted I continued to smoke it. About half way through I was very dizzy but I found I was enjoying it. There was even a hint of mint to the cigarette. I looked at the pack and realized I had bought a menthol brand.

The girls walked out pretending not to see me even though I knew there were dying to stare at me. Once they had driven away I put out the cigarette and got into my truck, I was extremely dizzy and slightly nauseated but I was feeling a lot better. I had heard that cigarettes calm people down but I hadn't known how true it was till now.

I knew I would have to take a shower when I got home and change my clothing. But I was happy. I had found something to help me cope that wouldn't give me away to the Cullen's. This might work after all.


End file.
